They’re stuck in your pants?
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In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it