Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
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It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
we’re gonna need another temp
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Tony Hawk, age 6
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect