[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
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Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.