*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
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GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Foo fighters still fighting foo.