“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
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I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
My what?
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
All is fair in drunk and war.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”