Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
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my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..