What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
You Might Also Like
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
no cat here
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.