It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
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ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.