I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
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Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.