“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
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[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Botany good plants lately?
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
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Morningbreath
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