Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
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[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
the dark web is just a goth google.