Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
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Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a āfunā talk?
Me: not for you
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
New Mom: I bought my kidsā Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: Thatās cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they canāt change their minds 800 times.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Canāt figure out if the neighbourās baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. š
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs canāt play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping š
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* itās been awhileā
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: āSleeping soothes the seethingā you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Seth Rogen: Hey man, Iām bored
James Franco: Ok fine, weāll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus š”
Found out itās $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so Iām just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
āI now pronounce you lunch and dinner.ā
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: umā¦ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?