My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
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i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
The human personality is made of five key elements
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom