Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
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Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”