embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
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I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition