Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
You Might Also Like
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
same bro
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Kermit goes Blue.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
they really do be looking like this
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*