I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
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Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
These work great until they don’t.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Yup.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.