This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
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If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach