By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
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Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.