[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
You Might Also Like
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Not messing around
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
That took me a moment.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine