my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
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Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.