The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
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HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Here’s a meme
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.