I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
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The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry