Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
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I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that