When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
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You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Taking phone security to the next level.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
he looks great for his age
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!