Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
You Might Also Like
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?