A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
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When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”