Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
You Might Also Like
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.