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U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.