Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
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7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
britain’s three elite institutions
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
choose your gary
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.