A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
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I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter