Hello Twits.
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My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Don’t snitch tag.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.