The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
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My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov