This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
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[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
I gave up going to work for lent.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.