“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
You Might Also Like
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
good work, everybody
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Selfie
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
why no one uses midhusbands
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea