Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
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I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
The smoothest fall of all time
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.