Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
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Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
fourth time’s the charm
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?