Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
You Might Also Like
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
prepare for carbonated trouble
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money