[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
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i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.