I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
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me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Hey I worked for it too!
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Happy Star Wars day!
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.