Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
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HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I just love that new Pope smell.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship