Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
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Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Good morning, Twitter x
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?