When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
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When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Had a spot of bother earlier.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*