Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
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“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
i dont have time for this
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125