When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
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please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!