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I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
My brain is a bad influence on me
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.