Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.