There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
You Might Also Like
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
“What movie?” 🤔
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass