I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
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It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old