ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
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If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
scared to check what name she chose
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
#titanic
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑